By Rhoda Godwin, Yenagoa
Across many communities in Bayelsa State, marriage is widely viewed as a sacred bond that should be preserved regardless of the challenges involved. Women are often expected to tolerate difficulties, forgive transgressions, and keep families together even in the face of serious wrongdoing. However, child rights advocates warn that when the desire to save a marriage overshadows the need to protect vulnerable children, the result can be devastating, leaving deep emotional scars that may last a lifetime..
For one Bayelsa mother, this painful reality emerged from a tragedy she never imagined could occur within her own home.
“The truth is that I trusted my husband completely,” she recalled. “We were committed Christians. We were always in church. He was the head instrumentalist and I was the music leader. We didn’t go partying or clubbing. Church was our life, and I never imagined something like this could happen.”
The woman, whose identity is being withheld to protect her daughter, described what appeared to be a stable and respected family. Together with her husband, they were active church workers and well-known members of their congregation. Yet beneath that respectable image, a disturbing secret was unfolding.
According to her account, the alleged abuse occurred in 2020 while she attended an overnight church programme.
“Because the children usually caught cold during night vigils, we agreed that one parent would stay home while the other attended church activities,” she said. “According to what he later confessed, that was the night everything happened.”
Months later, she experienced a dream that would later take on a chilling significance.
“In the dream, I came back from the market and found him harming my daughter,” she said. “When I woke up, I told him about it. I thought perhaps God was warning me that someone wanted to hurt our daughter.”
What struck her at the time was her husband’s unusual reaction.
“He became very quiet. Normally, he would have responded immediately. Instead, he just sat there. When I asked why he wasn’t saying anything, he said he was thinking about the dream.”
Unknown to her, the dream allegedly became a tool used to silence the child.
According to information that later emerged, the father reportedly told his daughter that her mother had threatened to kill both of them if she ever discovered such an act. The frightened teenager believed the warning and remained silent for months.
“That was why she couldn’t speak out,” the mother explained. “She genuinely believed I would harm her if she revealed what happened. She carried that fear for about six months.”
During that period, she noticed changes in her daughter’s behaviour but failed to understand the cause.
“She became withdrawn and unusually quiet,” she said. “She lost interest in many things and seemed constantly unhappy. I would sometimes scold her because I didn’t know what she was going through. Looking back, that remains one of my greatest regrets.”
The emotional trauma also began affecting the girl’s academic performance.
Fortunately, school authorities noticed the changes.
“The principal was very close to the students and paid attention to their welfare,” the mother said. “Eventually, my daughter confided in a teacher and explained what had happened. She also revealed that she was afraid because her father told her that speaking out would destroy the family.”
The teacher immediately reported the disclosure to the school principal, who began taking steps to protect the child.
According to the mother, the principal repeatedly invited her husband to discuss the matter, but he refused to appear.
“The principal made several attempts to reach him, but he kept avoiding the invitations. Eventually, the matter was formally reported.”
At the time, she remained completely unaware of these developments.
Looking back, she now recognizes changes in her husband’s behaviour that she could not explain then.
“He started spending nights away from home,” she said. “Sometimes he would leave and not return until the next day. We argued frequently, and I didn’t understand why things were changing.”
The turning point came when the school principal visited her home.
“I was terrified because I thought something bad had happened to one of my children at school,” she recalled. “Then he looked at me and said, ‘Your dream came true.'”
The statement left her stunned.
“I screamed. I asked him what he meant because I had never told him about the dream. That was when he explained everything.”
The principal informed her that investigations had already begun and that her husband had been arrested.
“He held my hand and told me, ‘I know you would not have had the strength to do this yourself.'”
What followed was a wave of pressure from relatives, friends, and community members.
“People started calling me almost immediately,” she said. “Some begged me to forgive him. Others said I should not allow him to go to prison. Many insisted it was a private family matter.”
The pressure was overwhelming.
“Everybody seemed focused on saving the marriage,” she said. “Very few people were concerned about what my daughter had experienced.”
The incident ultimately ended the marriage.
“I left the marriage the very day the matter was reported to the police,” she said. “I knew I could not continue.”
Years later, the consequences remain significant.
“It has not been easy,” she admitted. “Even when we were together, he rarely provided enough support for the family. Now it is even more difficult. Sometimes I have to call repeatedly before he contributes to the children’s welfare.”
Child rights advocates say her experience reflects a broader challenge across Nigeria, where economic dependence and social expectations often discourage women from reporting abuse.
Barrister Boma Tonye, Chairperson of the Yenagoa Branch of the International Federation of Women Lawyers (FIDA), said many women struggle between seeking justice and securing their family’s economic survival.
“One of the biggest reasons women remain silent is financial dependence,” she explained. “Many fear that if the offender is arrested, they will lose their primary source of support.”
According to Tonye, cultural and religious expectations can also contribute to silence.
“Our society places tremendous pressure on women to protect their marriages,” she said. “Many women are taught that a successful marriage must be preserved regardless of the circumstances. Unfortunately, some interpret this to mean enduring abuse and protecting offenders.”
She warned that such decisions often come at the expense of children’s futures.
“A mother has already lived part of her life,” she said. “A child still has an entire future ahead. Remaining silent about abuse can permanently affect that future.”
Tonye disclosed that FIDA Bayelsa has handled numerous cases involving abuse within families.
“We have documented about 14 cases involving incest,” she said. “Some were officially reported to our office, while others came to our attention through informal channels.”
She described the trend as deeply disturbing.
“Recently, we handled a case involving three siblings. The number of cases we encounter is alarming.”
She stressed that abuse committed by a stepfather also falls within the category of incest because the offender occupies a parental role.
“When a man marries a woman with children, he assumes the responsibility of a father,” she said. “Violating that trust is a serious criminal offence.”
One recurring challenge, she noted, is that some families lose interest in pursuing cases after suspects are arrested.
“When prosecutions begin, some mothers withdraw their support for the process,” she said. “As a result, offenders sometimes return to the community feeling untouchable.”
Her position remains unequivocal.
“Defilement is not a family matter. It is a criminal offence against the state.”
Community reactions often expose the deep divisions surrounding such cases.
Reacting to a separate incident involving a stepfather, Community Development Chairman of Obunagha Community in Yenagoa Local Government Area, Preye Okoko, said many residents struggled to believe the allegations because of the accused person’s public image.
“Sometimes people assume that because someone appears quiet and responsible, they are incapable of wrongdoing,” he said. “That assumption can be dangerous.”
He acknowledged that the case sparked intense debate within the community.
“Some residents immediately believed the child. Others defended the accused. There were disagreements everywhere.”
Experts say such reactions often discourage victims from speaking out, reinforcing fear, shame, and isolation.
Tonye believes stronger support systems are urgently needed.
“We need safe homes and protection centres for survivors,” she said. “Many children are afraid to disclose abuse because they do not know where they will go afterward.”
She urged government agencies and development partners to invest more resources in child protection infrastructure and survivor support services.
The Bayelsa mother now shares her story publicly in the hope that other parents will learn from her experience.
“If your child tells you something is wrong, listen carefully,” she said. “Do not dismiss it. Do not assume it cannot happen in your family.”
Reflecting on the ordeal, she offered a message she believes every parent should hear.
“The greatest mistake is believing that protecting a marriage is more important than protecting a child.”
Today, her daughter is rebuilding her life and continuing her education. While the journey toward healing remains ongoing, the family is determined to move forward.
For child protection advocates, however, the larger struggle continues. Every reported case, every survivor who receives support, and every community conversation helps challenge the culture of silence that has protected offenders for far too long.
As Tonye emphasized, “When children speak, adults must listen. When communities notice warning signs, they must act. And when abuse occurs, silence should never be an option.”
Across Bayelsa and beyond, that message may be one of the most important safeguards a child can have.
This report was commissioned with support from the Centre for Journalism Innovation and Development (CJID) under a journalism support initiative funded by the Open Society Foundations.